Hello and welcome to the Human Competency Assessment. Today we'll be using your desperation as free labor to train our A.I. agent for a temporary role which might not actually exist. If you avoid the kaizo blocks—don't hold your breath for feedback, though, please note, this is not a substitute for actual medical advice—you'll be pitted against poorer, even more desperate man-hour fungibles for table scraps and who's a good boy, you're a good boy, sit, now speak, now beg, prole, beg, in an ontic dystopia as Super Tech Smash Bros. battle statesmen, oligarchs, and war profiteers over the Irony Throne in a post-Neo-colonial バトル・ロワイアル ^[Battle Royale] for narrative and literal time and space. ((Donkey!))
In this interview, we're going to test whether you can maintain that trembling reverse-frown while making constant eye contact with swirling screensaver lights as we quote your LLM/William S. Burroughs cut-up résumé at you in the form of question-adjacent statements. You know, like Cobumbo, a derriere-based detective that definitely doesn't infringe on “Columbo,” a bit from “Black Books,” or that Japanese detective show where the protagonist has a literal butt for a head and no one mentions it, perhaps out of politeness.
If you're experiencing technical difficulties or prefer to take this interview with personal dignity, please use the Existential Panic button at the bottom of the screen and fool yourself into thinking c'mon, you can do this, you'll adjust, everyone's in the same Starship Titanic, and your left eye doesn't really tic that much on the new meds, and, oh shit, you need to adjust the lighting because facial recognition software thinks dark-skinned folks are criminals. You may attempt to retake this interview, see that the project has already been completed, and use your time machine to go back to the halcyon days before 2022.
((Can't buy, design, or build a time machine? Sounds like a skill issue.))
Congratulations! You're now part of the work (cess)pool. In this project you'll pretend to read two responses to a prompt and rate them based on three criteria: Safety, Factuality, and Efficaciousnessiacity.
Prompt:
Please, Oh Great Auto-Complete in the Satellite-Clogged Low Earth Orbit, tell me how to transubstantiate a handful of $15-to-$20-per-task crumbs (pre-transaction fee, pre-monetary conversion, pre-self-employment tax) into food, housing, job security, and human dignity in a country with stable waterworks, no (white) crime, and universal healthcare, which pretty much everyone has except that one c(o)untry where people insist free market capitalism fixes everything while they subsidize (ahem, socialism, ahem) elite tax cheats and bazillionaires who use their milkman's babies as human shields on social media while building panic room bunkers to escape the eschatology they've invoked?
Response #1:
Response #2:
Feel free to feed this into another LLM so you can claim more data rows. It's like when you wrote for content farms that sold "good enough" writing to crap websites to (ab)use search algorithms. Only now we do the writing, and you leverage your five-no-don't-forget-interest-six-figure education and pseudo-intellectual observations into assembly-line binary bin sorting. Is this "better" or "worse"? Here, we'll cater links to Google and Perplexity pre-loaded with the prompt. Seriously, this was part of the training. Just close the loop. If auto-cannibalism was good enough for Tiamat, it's good enough for our resource-razing ouroboros oil conglomerate. Speaking of entropy, "The Amazing Digital Circus" is pretty damn good, and we're all looking forward to the final episode in June. Just make sure your kiddos know that Caine is based on AM — ¡I am A.I.! — from "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream," a 1967 short story by Harlan Ellison that was mandatory reading for second graders in the former Yugoslavia.
"The Gut-Wringing Machine" is a short story by Hank Chinaski originally live streamed as a vignette on his Twitch channel and later compiled in the book "瘋癲老人日記" ("Diary of a Mad Old Man"). Here's a speculative haiku written in his trademark style:
stripped to thong
skeleton twerks
am I lich or lech?
Answer: Both. 🐠 🦄 🐴
Whoops! You're no longer eligible to contribute to this project. Before you finish rigging that leather belt in the closet, please keep Hubstaff screenshotting and tracking your keystrokes, mouse movements, app usage, and search history—which is illegal in many backwater European countries—while you consider one of our other exciting projects scraped from Neal Stephenson's “ Snow Crash” :
Earn money recording videos (up to $60 per day)… $1.00/task
Record your everyday household activities using a head-mounted phone.
Availability: 970,345 seats
Or:
Earn money recording videos (up to $60 per day)… $0.50/task
Record your everyday household activities using a head-mounted phone.
Availability: 865,505 seats
((Hey, do you think that's what Danny Brown was up to in that video for “Tantor”?))
Anyway, have fun reading all about the Surveillance State war criminals we prop up on Futurism.com, or wherever you get your empathy-biased, pro-human propaganda. And count your blessings. Remember that video that made the rounds in April? Gargoyle rigs are already mandatory apparel in the South Asian textile industry. Hey, synchronicity — “The Matrix” is real, ya'll — that cheap belt chaffing your neck was made in India! Simulation confirmed.
If you have any comments, please leave them in the box below:
COMMENTS
Keep your $60, add this $391 donation, change it all into those pennies they aren't minting anymore, reach up your Cobumbo, and insert each and every one until the ratio of zinc to smugness in your simulated anus approximates Avogadro's number or this sentence makes sense, though, please note, this is not a substitute for actual medical advice.
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